"Happy Ending" Sugarland

It's why we sit in the movies
All the way to the closing scenes

From the beginning
We're all looking for a happy ending
Every dream of winning
Every love we've been in
Right from the beginning
We're all looking for a happy ending

I absolutely love Sugarland. I've seen them in concert twice, both times when they were opening for Kenny Chesney, and to tell you the truth, I prefer their show over his any day. That girl can sing! This is a recently new favorite of mine...I really like what it says about just life in general. It's pretty cynical of the whole notion of having a happy ending sometimes, and that's a message I need to take to heart sometimes. I can be sarcastic, cynical myself, but ultimately, I believe that everything will work out in the end -- and then when it doesn't I'm extraordinarily disappointed. I can't handle the constant up and down of hoping and then having that crushed by something not working out. So maybe I need lower expectations; pleasant surprises are always better than gross disappointments.

Reaching out

Reaching out, or reaching around?
Progress, or just another go 'round?
Sameness, deja vu.
No matter what I try and do


It's little, it's not very good, but I promised myself I'd write more creative stuff too...poetry, short stories, stuff like that. Sometimes it's really hard to find the time and a lot of my stuff becomes really cynical really fast. I'm beginning to question the whole idea that anything can get any better because once I think it is, something else comes crashing down. I don't know, I've just been soooo stressed out lately, it's been hard to handle. Between school, family stuff, extra curriculars...I don't know...I've just been running around in circles. Greg says I take on too much responsibility; Eric says I take the world on my shoulders. Everything I do needs to be perfect; there's no in between there. And when I know it can't be done perfectly, I have a tendency to not do it or put it off, which then adds more stress. Plus, there are just some responsibilities that I don't feel comfortable casting aside. I realize I'm becoming like an extra parent to my brother, making sure he's doing okay, school-wise, but mostly in dealing with my parents. And it's not fair; I'm 21 years old and it feels like all of a sudden, I have a 16-year-old kid that I'm at least partially responsible for. And I owe it to him; he's one of the most awesome kids I know, and he deserves the world. But he's just a kid...he needs help to get the world, and sometimes I think that I'm the only one who can help him get it. My parents, I guess, have other things to worry about. And he sometimes gets lost in the shuffle. Hopefully, this summer will be a good time to work all of this out. At the very least, he's got a place to stay that's away from both parents if he needs it. He's always welcome, and he knows it.

Frustrating

It seems like some things just keep going around and around in circles, never actually getting settled, even when you think they just might be. Case in point: dealing with my parents' recent divorce and all the jolly good stuff that comes out of it. So my mom recently started seeing a new guy, within about 4-5 months of the divorce. And now the whole thing is coming to a screeching crashing unbelievable problem with Eric's graduation. It's really the first big event (outside of the wedding...that's another whole story that I'm not really in the mood to get into right now) that everyone should really be at at the same time. There's been Christmas and Easter, but those have been cases where we just stuff ourselves silly with two big holiday meals, deal with it, and it's over...but graduation is becoming a much bigger thing.

Everyone's coming: Eric's family, my parents (hopefully...that's the whole point of this post), my brother...and so on. And we're kinda making a big thing out of it; Eric's not going on to grad school or anything so this is that last big event of its kind for him. We're going to have a big barbecue at a friend's apartment and basically everyone's invited and everyone brings food. But here's the problem: my mom's been planning to bring her boyfriend since the beginning. I knew this; I expected her to be the one to tell my dad...that's not my job, that's not my brother's job, that's HER job. Granted, I should have figured this was happening; communication has never been my family's strong suit, but I figured she would at least go the extra mile in this case to avoid awkwardness. But she just told him this past Friday -- and hotels are booked, plans made, etc. And I really think my dad should be able to be comfortable enough to come...and he won't be. The whole situation with my mom dating has been difficult; she wasn't exactly straight with anyone at the beginning and I know that I felt awkward, like ultimately I was going to be the one to break it to my dad...and that's not fair.

If this is what Ryan has been dealing with since the beginning, I feel even worse for him now. I can't deal with this, I won't deal with this. It's not my job...it's theirs. I may be 21 freaking years old but I should not have to be in the middle of my parents divorce.

Living and Pups

So it looks like we definitely have living at least partially set up for over the summer & through the year. I've had a lease in the Burg since like February, but we keep putting off figuring out stuff in York because it's ridiculously expensive, at least when compared to here. We just started making phone calls and there's at least one apartment open, which we can move into in June, which is good. We'll just have to stay in the inlaws' house until the place opens.

Getting our own place means just one thing: we're getting a puppy before the end of summer. So pretty much, I've been more and more addicted to petfinder.com, picking out which dog we're gonna get. There's just so many options! We're definitely going the shelter route...because that seems to be the right thing to do with all the puppy mill horror stories and the relatively high rate of euthanization in York. So, good thing's happening this summer, especially considering my concerns about living in someone else's house again through the summer.

VAWA and Politics

Yesterday was my first meeting for the Violence Against Women Act Student Advisory Board. Basically, the role of our group is to review the ideas of the grant coordinator as they apply to the university community as well as suggesting some options that they may or may not have come up with themselves. It's a really fun group where we just hang out and it's really low-key. I was expecting it to be kinda stressful, mostly because of the subject matter, but it really really isn't, and I'm glad. I really don't need to add any stress to my life right now. Between Student Judicial Committee, Phi Alpha Theta rep. stuff, and this, I think I'll be a pretty busy gal next year (and I'll be doing grad school applications too, but that's a different story for a different time). Plus, they already have a ton of neat ideas. Since everything that happened at VT on 4/16 reporting of sexual assaults, etc. have gone down drastically. Generally, people seem to be either comparing their pain with others and thinking it's not bad enough to report, or there's some issue where they're afraid of what might happen if they get someone else into trouble. So the Women's Center, through the VAWA grant, is using poster campaigns and presentations and other programming to make sure that people know that they can report things that happen on campus and no one will get angry with them. It's hard to reach out about things like that.

On a completely different note, the 2008 presidential election is getting really heated and the primaries aren't even over yet. The DNC recently released a commercial in (I believe) North Carolina calling John McCain's candidacy into question because of his age...in addition to all the bashing that's going on between the Democratic candidates. I'm pretty clearly a McCain supporter, but I'm getting frustrated with the whole process...it seems like election after election is just a "lesser of two evils" kinda deal. I liked McCain when he was running against Bush and I often wonder how things would be different had Bush not won through the primaries. Of course, it's a fruitless mind game, but intriguing nonetheless. But I really really wish that Obama was a Republican. I mean, right now, his ideology scares me, and I'm concerned over his seeming overabundance of "Present" votes on the Senate floor. I think there's a lot that we, as voters, don't know about his beliefs. However, I really think we need a fresh face in politics, someone who hasn't been jaded by decades in national politics. It might be interesting to see what happens during the Democratic Convention because if the DNC ultimately chooses Hilary, I think we might see the partial implosion of the party...and I don't see Obama winning either -- he hasn't held the majority primary vote in any of the big states and a lot of Democrats have said that they will not vote for the other Democratic candidate if his/her choice doesn't get the nomination. No matter who wins, they'll need to spend precious time recollecting the Democrats into their fold before they can even start trying to catch the swing voters. It'll be interesting...it's my first presidential election that I'm eligible to vote in so I'm excited.

I'm also really looking forward to catching up on PA state politics. I'll be working in the Capitol complex this summer and will get to sit in on committee hearings and such. I used to be really into it, mostly because I am a HUGE supporter of Congressman Todd Platts, who started out in the PA state House of Representatives. I'm just excited to catch back up; this way, I can feel like I'm making an educated vote on our state elections too.

Summer Reading 2008

My summer reading plans are one of my favorite parts of summer because a. I'm a nerd and b. it's really nice to be able to read something without having a specific due date or anything. So anyway, here's what's on my list so far for 2008:

1. Finishing Tom Clancy's The Cardinal and the Kremlin - I've always been a big Clancy fan just because of the way he puts a story line together and because every single time the characters speak I picture Harrison Ford and Sean Connery which just makes me happy.

2. Finishing John Keegan's The First World War - My daddy got this for me for Christmas (yes, I do ask for books for Christmas thank you very much) and I've been reading it off and on during the semester as things kinda taper and then table it when other, more pressing stuff comes up. I've been realizing just how much I don't know about World War I. It seems like my high school history just kinda skimmed over it briefly and there's not really any classes here at Tech that look at it closely. So I have his history and Martin Gilbert's to read through just to get more information - Keegan's is much more military based than the other one my dad picked up for me.

3. William C. Costopoulos and Brad Bumstead's Murder is the Charge: The True Story of Mayor Charlie Robertson and the York, Pennsylvania, Race Riots - This is officially the only book for sale on Amazon about the York race riots and it's definitely not a "history" book per say. It's written by Robertson's defense attorney and a Pittsburgh journalist and it focuses more on the trial in the 90s, but I figured it's a good start for learning more about it. There just isn't much out there. I am still trying to get my hands on the master's thesis in William and Mary's library about how it's affected York's culture since the 60s. It's also a topic I'm looking into researching for a possible master's thesis (as a public historian, I'd like to look into the decision making process that led the Historical Society of York to largely avoid including exhibits about the race riots).

4. Robert V. Remini's The House: A History of the House of Representatives - I picked this beast up at a used bookstore in Eagles Mere, PA, and it looks super interesting. We'll see how it goes...this one may need to be broken up into chunks & separated by other books, but it's definitely a topic I want to know more about.

5. Jean M. Twenge's Generation Me - Suggested to me by one of the people in the Office of Judicial Affairs, it looks at how my generation has adopted this notion of being "special" and how it plays out in education, the work force, and in how we live our lives. I think it will be an interesting read, probably leading to some self-reflection too.

6. Susan J. Douglas' Where the Girls Are: Growing up Female with the Mass Media - This book is admittedly pretty feminist in scope, examining how girls and women are depicted in movies and television shows. Typically this isn't my kind of read, but I think it may be an interesting study.

Admittedly, this may be only about half of my summer reading that I actually get done. With having a pool and generally no life, I typically go through a lot of books over the summer. Somewhere before the start of the NFL season (9/4 can't come soon enough) I'll probably re-read Roger Director's I Dream in Blue: Life, Death, and the New York Giants mostly because I'm superstitious and think that continuing this practice may lead to a repeat. I'm open to suggestions for books to read this summer, especially non-history books. I do like my fair share of dirty romance novels (and I can't seem to find any good ones at the moment), and I've run out of Michael Connelly books to read since I've pretty much read them all.

I promised a more philosophical post...

The more serious stuff going through my mind right now has to do with religion in history and how they work together. In my Reformations class, we're ending the semester with a few lectures on what's going on right now in Iraq and Iran, between the two countries, within the two countries, and so on. We're doing this because there's just so many similarities with the religious wars happening during the Reformation time period; for example, the similarities between the Iranian Revolutionary Guard and the New Model Army in England are uncanny in their belief in equality and their reliance upon the idea that they are doing God's bidding each time they go out and fight.

So all through my history education (at least Mr. Moyer onwards), it has been pushed into my head that the whole purpose of studying history is to prevent the repeat of horrible events of the past through the examination of their underlying causes, etc. It just seems to me that no matter how much we study history, stuff keeps happening over and over again...like the religious wars happening, likely as a result of the seemingly increasing presence of fundamentalists within both sects of the Muslim religion. So here's my question: is this problem based in (here's some Nietzsche for you) an inescapable cycle of history or is it based upon what religion is and how it fits into society and the decisions that a country may make?

Here's where the religious idea is coming from: most religions that come to mind have either current or historical forms of fundamentalism and the violence that usually accompanies the movements. Catholicism had its Inquisition, burning of heretics both by church leadership and by Catholic rulers, the Crusades (totally not in chronological order). Protestantism has the craziness that happened throughout the 1500's -- the Munster Commune in Germany, the Diggers and the Levellers in England, to some extent the Puritans in New England. Even the Mormons have their own fundamentalists, who have been all over the place in the news lately, the FLDS. But at the same time, there are the Buddhists and the Hindus...I mean, have you ever really heard of a Buddhist fundamentalist? I haven't, at least not as they apply to making decisions socially -- those protesting in China are nominally promoting equal rights, maybe separation based more on politics and history than religion. So, is it a religion in general kinda thing? Is the formation of fundamentalist splinter groups reserved to just the major world religions because there are political leaders who are practicing members of the religion? I don't know the answer; it's something I've been toying with in my mind for a long time.

But it's something that we -- as historians, as scholars, as people -- need to figure out. Too much violence and unrest happens as a result of religious fundamentalism. Is it something in a society? A lot of sociologists seem to be looking to the economic conditions in the Middle East to explain the growth of fundamentalist terrorist groups in Iran, Afghanistan, etc. Or is it based upon the human concepts of God and religious practice? It seems like there's so much at stake when it comes to religion that it's hard to agree to disagree. In many people's eyes, it's others' salvation that they're dealing with and that's generally not something people are willing to compromise on. I'm not criticizing religion, or God, or anything here. I think there's something underlying all of this...we just might need a genius to figure it out, if we, as humans, can figure it out at all.

Draft Weekend!

So I'm working on a more serious philosophical post for later on tonight, but right now I'm all Giants fan. I've been reading the website, a few of my favorite Giants-related blogs, and ESPN just because I get so excited for draft weekend. Last years picks are looking mighty nice (Aaron Ross, anyone?), and I'm really hoping we can get some more talent on Big Blue's roster again this year. To be honest, I'm not too picky about who we pick up. I think we need to look defense in the first round (if we even make a pick and don't trade it off) because the offense is looking beautiful with, at last glance, every starter on offense coming back for the 2008 season. But here's the thing, I'd really like to see this year be a building season for our offense too. We have a lot of guys (Plax, Amani) who we'll likely lose within the next few years to retirement. I personally (as a Hokie) would like to pick up Eddie Royal - he's been in the offices for an interview - just because I think he'd fit in well with the offense's scheme (plus he's used to inconsistent qb's), but I'm not going to be too picky. The G-men have always been really good at getting talent and molding them into the system and making them some awesome players.

My big thing on draft day is probably going to revolve around a player whom I generally have a love-hate kinda thing with: Jeremy Shockey. I'm not as passionate about it as some people are, but I won't be sad to see him go. We definitely need a blocking and catching TE, and we'd be happy to have someone as talented as Shockey! (reference to Roger Director there) playing on our side. But we really don't need his attitude problems. I say, if he wants to be traded, trade him, but get something/someone good for him, and keep him out of our division please. As much as I'm ambivalent about him playing for us, I sure don't want to play against him on a regular basis. Kevin Boss is ready to step up to the plate if Shockey's gonna be an ass...plus Eli plays a lot better when Shockey's not on the field (on a different note: anyone know what Shockey's BAC was at the end of the Super Bowl...he was drinking like a fish up there in his luxury box).

Also, it would be nice for Strahan to make a decision before the draft so we know who we're moving and what we need going into the draft. I doubt it'll happen though. He and his agent are famous for holding out. I like him and all, it just made life difficult last season.

I still haven't decided how I'm celebrating the 08 draft. Either heading downtown and drinking, or staying in and drinking. Either way, I'm drinking. Here's to VT alum getting lots of good looks & here's to an awesome 08 Giants draft class.

It's Funny

I used to believe that convictions and values were the only thing a person needed to be successful, to make a difference in the world. It didn't matter what other people thought; all that mattered was that if someone cared about what they were doing, who they were with, and where they were going, that everything would eventually work out for them in the end.

But, and this is cynical Lauren coming out here, that's just not enough. You need to change people's minds, make them believe in what you believe in, in order to make any difference. It seems like everything these days is based upon a group opinion...and if you're in the minority for a vote, it doesn't matter how passionate you are one way or the other. It seems like once everyone makes a decision these days, there isn't any changing it. All the shit about passion changing people's minds is pure bullshit. It seems like passion and really caring about people is a detriment to the cause. Life's not supposed to "get personal" anymore. Everything's supposed to be just based on plain old logic all the time; emotions, empathy...they just don't matter. Unless everything you believe in is based upon pure logic that everyone else immediately buys into, you're pretty much out of luck. I'm sorry if I can't separate my decisions from their consequences on someone else's future; it's not me. If my name is going to be attached to a decision, I believe that it automatically connects me with the people that are going to be affected by it.

I guess I'm just feeling really disconnected and really hurt by some of the stuff that happened today (cryptic, eh?) and I need a place to talk about it...to work it out in my own head so maybe I can make sense of it all.